Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
