I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
