Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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