If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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