My hand turned me down
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
