I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
