i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
