My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
