We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
