Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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