hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
