"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
