why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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