he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Randomize
