This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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