She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
They took my balls.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
