Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
