We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
