I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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