your parents love me but you hate me
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
you never un-have a 4some
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
