True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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