Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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