Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
