Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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