Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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