I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Randomize
