Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
