I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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