I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
