omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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