So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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