Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Quick, to the slutcave!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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