I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
