On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
