Betty ford says i'm here all night
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
