you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
