I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize