I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
