Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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