broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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