Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
