im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
