I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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