she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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