sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I have feelings that need drinking.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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