That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
