and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
