like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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