Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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