saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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