Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Randomize
