What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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