Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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