Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
