somebody snuck up and got me drunk
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
