meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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